Lois Lane: Divided and Conquered

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 16th Annual Metropolis Children’s Benefit Show!" Jimmy Olsen spoke into the microphone, addressing the large audience. He stood on stage at Siegel Civic Arena in downtown Metropolis, and the house was packed. "I’m your host for this year’s show, James B. Olsen! You can call me Jimmy, everyone does! As you know, all the proceeds from these annual shows go to various children’s charities in the greater Metropolis area. This year I’m proud to say, all the entertainers you’ll be seeing here have donated their services free of charge!" Jimmy had to pause to let the thunderous applause die down. "And we’ve got a great lineup of acts tonight, too! Not one but two great rock bands, Great Frog and the Electrics! Daredevil stuntman Buddy Baker and his feats of derring-do! A soliloquy from "Hamlet", performed by Shakespearean-trained actor Alfred Pennyworth! And much, much more!"
"But first, we have that master magician, mistress of the mystic arts, conjuress extraordinaire, Zatanna!"
As soon as Jimmy said Zatanna’s name, a large cloud of smoke rose onstage next to him with a loud POOF! sound. Zatanna herself stepped out of the cloud, in her traditional magician’s outfit of tuxedo jacket, fishnet stockings, and top hat. The crowd applauded madly, and Jimmy made his exit.
"She sure knows how to make an entrance," Lois Lane, seated in the front row, said to Clark Kent, who was next to her.
"Wait till you see the rest of her act," Clark assured.
"Oh, have you seen her perform before?" Lois asked.
"Um, yes, I saw her once on the Johnny Nevada Show," Clark said. That was close; he couldn’t very well tell Lois that, as Superman, he and Zatanna were teammates in the Justice League of America!
For almost half an hour, Zatanna thrilled the audience with spectacular illusions. Many were classics of magic, like cut and restored rope or making a live tiger appear inside a cage; others were Zatanna’s own creations. Sure, many of the audience members knew that Zatanna’s feats were not clever illusions, but true magic. They didn’t care; they were having a wonderful time watching the show.
Someone else was watching the show, but with a sinister purpose in mind. Someone who wore the coveralls of a Civic Arena employee, but really was not. This man watched the show from the wings, lingering beside the fuse box that controlled the arena’s electric power, waiting for his chance.
"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your kind applause," Zatanna smiled at the audience. "I’d love to stay and entertain you all night, but Great Frog is anxious to go on. So I just have one more illusion to do, and then I must disappear. For this trick, I will need the help of a volunteer from the audience. And I see we have a celebrity or two in the front row! Miss Lane, would you be so kind?"
The spotlight fell on Lois, and amid applause she walked up onstage. She was smartly dressed in a navy blue blazer and skirt, with matching pumps, a white blouse, and suntan-colored hose. "Ladies and gentlemen, Lois Lane of the Daily Planet!" Zatanna announced, and clapped her hands. The audience followed her lead and gave Lois a big hand.
"Thanks for coming up to help me out, Lois," Zatanna said. "It must be exciting, working on a major daily newspaper, writing important stories!"
"It’s a little hectic sometimes, Zatanna," Lois said. "Deadlines, interviews, meetings; sometimes I wish I could be in two places at once!"
"Well, I think I can help you with that, Lois," Zatanna said. On cue, two male assistants came from backstage, pushing a blue oblong box on an eight-legged wheeled table. "If you’ll just hop up on this table and lie down in the box!"
Throwing a look of mock fear at the audience, Lois did as she was bid. Zatanna closed the lid of the box and inserted wooden stocks over Lois’ neck and ankles. "Comfy?" Zatanna asked.
"As much as could be expected," Lois said, in a trembling voice. She was really working the crowd.
"Well, just relax and it’ll be over in a second. Try not to hiccup; I lost my last assistant that way." One of the male assistants returned, bringing Zatanna a large chainsaw. She pulled the ripcord and the saw started up with a loud roar. The audience watched breathlessly as Zatanna sawed straight down through the center of the box; Lois let out a scream as the saw went halfway through. When the box, and Lois, had been completely sawn through, Zatanna pulled out the chainsaw and turned it off. The assistant returned, and Zatanna traded him the chainsaw for a pair of large steel blades, which she inserted into the box. She then released a catch on the table, and pushed the two halves apart.
"There you have it, Lois," Zatanna said, standing between the two halves. "Now half of you can write the stories while the other half does the legwork!"
The audience laughed at the joke. But suddenly the entire arena went dark. This was the moment the phony custodian had been waiting for. The audience was silent; they thought it was part of the show. Zatanna knew better; she spoke a spell under her breath to restore the power to the lights. When they came up, only the box containing Lois’ top half was on stage. Her bottom half was missing!
"Well, it seems Lois’ legs have run off without the rest of her," Zatanna smiled at the audience. "Come on, Lois, let’s see if we can find them! Thanks a lot, folks, you’ve been a great audience. Stick around for Great Frog!" Amid thunderous applause, Zatanna wheeled Lois’ top half off stage.

Outside the building, a nondescript white van was pulling away from the civic arena. Its driver was carefully obeying all traffic laws, so as not to draw attention to it. Inside the van, a fat man in a green suit sat chuckling behind the wheel, having abandoned the coveralls he wore over the suit. In the back of the van, the wheeled table with the box containing Lois Lane’s bottom half rocked back and forth as the van rolled along.
"I know you can’t hear me, Miss Lane," the Prankster said. "But you’ll soon know just who it is who’s given you this separation anxiety!" The villain laughed at his own joke.

Backstage, Zatanna stood next to the table containing Lois’ top half. Two uniformed policemen stood with them, taking down their statements.
"—and when the lights came back, her bottom half was gone! It happened so fast, I didn’t even notice anyone else on stage!"
"Zatanna, can’t you do something?" Lois asked desperately. "Magic me back together, or something?"
"Sorry, Lois," Zatanna said sympathetically. "Without your other half here, I can’t do anything!"
Suddenly, Superman appeared, flying in through the open window.
"Superman!" Lois gasped. "Oh, thank heavens! Look at me! Someone ran off with my legs!"
"I see, Lois," Superman said. "Don’t worry, I’ll find them, whoever it was."
"Well, we already know who it was," Zatanna said. "This note was taped to Lois’ box."
She handed Superman a piece of paper. A message was written on it in blue crayon, with wide letters and clumsy strokes. Superman’s anger grew as he read it.
IF MISS LANE WANTS TO BE REUNITED WITH HER BOTTOM HALF, IT WILL COST ONE MILLION DOLLARS. I WILL BE IN TOUCH TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS. The note was signed, THE PRANKSTER.

Somewhere in Metropolis, the Prankster sat in his bizarre hideout. He reclined in a lounge chair upholstered in purple fur, and sipped a chocolate malted milk through a straw. He had parked the table on which rested Lois Lane’s bottom half next to his chair, with the soles of her shoes turned facing him.
The villain consulted his Mickey Mouse watch. "Hmm, I think Miss Lane has had sufficient time to realize the gravity of her situation. She could probably use some cheering up right about now." The Prankster reached out, grasped the heel of Lois’ right shoe, and plucked it off her stocking foot. Tossing the shoe into a corner, the Prankster experimentally ran his index finger up her arch. The foot twitched violently under his touch. He grinned maliciously. Very sensitive! It was a shame he couldn’t hear the results. He began scrabbling his fingertips all over the bottom of her foot.

Back at the civic arena, Superman and Zatanna were discussing the best possible way to find the Prankster. Suddenly Lois let out a loud squeal, immediately followed by a torrent of giggles.
"Lois, what is it?" Superman asked. "What’s wrong?"
"Somebody’s tickling my fe-hee-heet!" Lois gasped between bursts of laughter. Her head, sticking out of the end of the box, thrashed from side to side. Her face flushed bright red as the laughter poured from her mouth.

"Kitchy-kitchy-koo," the Prankster sang gleefully to Lois’ feet as he wiggled his index fingertip at the base of her toes. "Kitchy-kitchy-koo!" The villain had removed both of Lois’ shoes now, and was going from foot to foot, tickling every inch of them with his fingers. Sometimes it was gentle teasing, sometimes rapid scribbling. The sensations were magically translated across Lois’ severed body, and miles away, her entire upper half shook with laughter. After about fifteen minutes of tickling Lois’ feet with his fingers, the Prankster reached for a plastic back scratcher and began raking it over the nyloned soles. The feet twitched and flailed violently, trying in vain to escape the scratcher. Prankster chuckled to himself, watching their agony.

Lois was laughing uncontrollably. Tears streamed down her cheeks, her hair was matted with sweat. Her face was flushed bright crimson, and the box holding her upper body shook with her violent convulsions.
"Zatanna, can’t you do something about this?" Superman asked. "Stop the sensations from reaching her, or something?"
"Sorry, Superman," Zatanna said uneasily. "When the body is magically separated like this, it’s dangerous to monkey around with its functions. I could cause Lois irreparable harm that way." Zatanna looked at the laughing Lois, and felt nervous uneasiness in her stomach. She could only imagine what it must be like; her own feet were unbelievably ticklish!
The Prankster tickled Lois’ feet with the back scratcher for nearly twenty minutes. He decided they both needed a break; he felt a growing pressure in the front of his pants, and needed to relieve it. He hopped up from his chair. "Be right back, my pretties," he said to Lois’ feet, giving her big toe a tweak. Then he trundled off to the bathroom.

Lois’ laughter finally subsided into gasps for breath. "He finally stopped," she panted.
"You poor thing," Zatanna said sincerely. "I’m so, so sorry this happened!"
"You couldn’t know," Lois said charitably. "God, I’m so ticklish!"
"I wonder why he stopped?" Superman said. "Is he about to make the ransom instructions?"
"Well, my feet had been in those shoes all day," Lois said, panting. "I just hope the smell knocked him out!"
"The smell…of your feet," Superman said slowly. He was getting an idea.

Five minutes later, Superman was in Lois’ midtown apartment. He hadn’t told Lois or Zatanna what he was going to try, because it might not work. He let himself in with the key Lois had given Clark Kent, that he might water her plants when she was away on vacation.
Superman went into Lois’ bedroom, and quickly located the shoes she had worn to work the previous day. He picked one up and lifted it to his nose, inhaling deeply. There was still enough of her foot-scent, unique as a fingerprint, inside the shoe for his super-senses to detect. He inhaled deeply, imprinting the scent on his olfactory registers. Now all he had to do was find that scent!
Superman looked down at himself, and decided to wait a few moments before taking off.

"I’m back," the Prankster said to his silent guest as he settled back in his chair. "Hope I didn’t keep you waiting long. I’ve got a special treat for you now!" Gleefully he reached out and clipped the toe of Lois’ left stocking with a scissors. He peeled the stocking away from her toes, baring them completely. Then he began fluttering a fluffy white feather across the bottoms of her toes.

"Oh, no," Lois shrieked. "He’s starting again!" She struggled to hold in the giggles, but they burst from her lips in a flood.
"Hurry, Superman," Zatanna urged, watching the suffering Lois nervously.

Superman zigzagged through the maze of Metropolis streets, sniffing the air, searching for that unique aroma. He had made three trips throughout the city and come up dry. He decided to broaden his search, going out into the suburban areas.
Finally! There was the scent! It was coming from a small strip-mall in Greenville, a suburb of Metropolis. One store was empty; a sign on its front door read COMING SOON, TRIXIE TREAT’S HALLOWEEN SHOP. Superman pried open the locked door, and entered the deserted shop. The odor was strong now; it was coming from the back room. Superman trained his super-hearing on that door.
"And this little piggie had none," he heard the Prankster’s voice from within. Superman burst through this door, to find the Prankster sawing a white feather back and forth between Lois’ toes. Prankster looked up in shock.
"S-Superman!" he gasped. "How did you find me?"
"Let’s say I followed my nose," Superman said. He gave the villain a light tap on the chin, which sent him reeling into unconsciousness. Superman found Lois’ shoes and replaced them on her feet; feeling uncharacteristically mischievous, he gave her right sole a super-speed tickle before putting the shoe on.

"Wow, it sure feels good to be whole again!" Lois said, feeling her midsection with her hands. The Prankster had been dropped off at the police station, and Lois had been reunited with her bottom half.
"Lois, I can’t say how sorry I am," Zatanna said. "I can’t believe you went through such torture so I could do a magic trick!"
"Aw, forget it, Zatanna," Lois said. "You had no way of knowing what the Prankster was going to do."
"I know, but the idea of the relentless tickling you had to endure!" Zatanna shuddered. "I feel so guilty!"
"Well, if it’ll help you feel less guilty," Lois said, smiling at Superman, "I think we can arrange for you to do some penance."
Before Zatanna could ask what Lois meant, Superman grabbed her arms and held them, gently but firmly.
"Lois, no!" Zatanna shrieked, as Lois knelt down and removed her black pumps.